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Good to see you moving on with new life in the form of plants. It is a next stage passage. I had my in college cat, my post-divorce cat. And then I discovered the joy of two cats, brothers from different litters. It's a joy to watch them tend to each other, as well as to me.
xo
Goony
Your writing continues to be amazing and brave.
Plants!!! I'm looking for a new apt and visited one in a great Bk neighborhood where my potential roommates have tons of plants everywhere! Maybe your post is a sign I'll get the apt! They also have drawn wings all over the house in the hopes that one day it will fly :)
It was so cool. They also don't have a tv!! You told me that not watching tv leaves room for creativity right? Well...I'll still watch free shows on the internet. Sorry.
i have the head light gear and heavy rubber outer wear ready in case you need to be retrieved from the outer banks of despair...but i think your plants are a beautiful step in the right direction -hang on -it only gets better from here.
love u
t
In a brighter light I think its awesome your getting involved in other things. I like to think crystal is napping in that green cabinet right now, watching over you, your hubby, and your new plants, making sure you get your spunky attitude back. The old you is in there, you just uncovered her sister.
your 15 year old friend,
--Allie
Bueller
Wow, that was a long sentence.
You are not a bad mom, just a sad mom..and that's ok too. Crystal will come to you in your dreams or in a fleeting flash of gray out of the corner of your eye one day, and you will know exactly where she is. To be honest, she is where she always was, in your heart, purring and curled up in your love.
take care my dear friend
love deb
It's not weird or strange or crazy to have any of these thoughts about the loss of a pet. I lost my cat Lewis nearly three years ago and I still think about him nearly every day. We have other pets (2 dogs and 2 cats) and I love them very much but Lewis and I had a very special bond. He came into my life when I was going through a dramatic transition. I had just ended a long term relationship, was moving and going back to school full time to make a significant career transition. I felt very alone until one day this little orange kitten showed up in my life. Lewis and I were best pals - he was the only stable thing in my life at that time. No matter how hard my day was, I'd come home and he'd be waiting. I never had to feel alone.
I had 7 great years with Lewis. In that time I became successful in my new career, found a great guy, bought a house, and got married. Things were finally getting on the right track for me.
Lewis died very suddenly of kidney failure, one week after my wedding. I was completely devastated. He was only 7 years old. But now as I reflect on what his life meant to me, I realize that he was here for a reason. He helped me get through one of the most difficult times in my life. Once he saw that I was going to be okay, he moved on.
I believe that our pets come into our lives for a reason. They leave when their work is done. As painful as that is, know that your Crystal accomplished what she set out to do being your pet. Now it's time for her to move on and be there for someone else.
A bird does not sing because it has answers, it sings because it has a song
Morale: Don't wait until you have the answers in your life to be happy. You may wait too long.
Love, Tamara
<3 Tamara
Feathering your nest is a purrfect response to your grief. I love the changes you've made in the house, the new meditation/yoga room looks fabulous!! So much different than a couple of weeks ago. Tangible moving forward. I say that should be our first "to-do" when I get there next week - meditating and/or yoga together. Perhaps we can help each other release some of the emotional muck we are respectively carrying. Maybe we could even face Overlook together? Or at the very least I can break out some more freak medical stories for dinner conversation and make you laugh...
I love you oodles! Talk to you later tonight....
b
Okay, but I'll be there in spirit making you chuckle too kris :)
Rearranging and changing things around is comforting and cathartic, it keeps our bodies and minds occupied when we think we just can't handle the pain or worry any longer. I am a worry cleaner...its the only thing that seems to help0 me. I feel better knowing you have found a way to cope and heal, at least for now. Time will help too, it that sounds so lame, but it is true. Your insanity sounds so normal to me. I love you dearly, snot and tears and all. xoxo Sherry
Hi! I'm new to your forum and blogsite. I got inspired by your movie: Crazysexycancer. I too, am a Cancer Patient and Survivor. I was diagnosed when I was 37 at stage III, Malignant Metastatic Melanoma. I am now 39 and have progressed to stage IV. I have a beautiful 15 year old daughter. Who, undoubtabley is having a much rougher time with my terminal illness, than I. The continued spread of my cancer cells brings upon challenge after challenge. I've never seen Life in such light ~ in all its colour and beauty. I am abound by glory. I hope that you get a chance to take a look at my feeble attempt to start something "real" ~ for the people, by the people, and of the people. I want to help Cancer patients in need. True need. You have given me the inspiration and motivational start. I hope you don't mind... a photo of your movie cover was used in my blogsite!!! positive4cure.blogspot.com
(I am truly sorry for your loss...I too, as well, lost a dear friend, "Becca" Rebecca Ann Swender, June 14, 2008 at the young age of 36 to Melanoma. We had met at the National Cancer Institute in Bethesda, Md, where we did several months of interlueken-2 (il-2) treatments together. She was such a grave part of my Cancer journey and fight. I will miss her dearly. As, I am sure, you will miss your beloved pet. A short u-tube video was made in her honour on my site as well. {I am relatively new to the online world/community of "blogging/utubing" ~ sorry about the poor quality. Thanks for understanding}
I wish you the best in Life and Love. Thank-You for giving me your time.
********************************************************************************
May all who seek, find.
Sincerely,
Rebecca
Hi! I'm new to your forum and blogsite. I got inspired by your movie: Crazysexycancer. I too, am a Cancer Patient and Survivor. I was diagnosed when I was 37 at stage III, Malignant Metastatic Melanoma. I am now 39 and have progressed to stage IV. I have a beautiful 15 year old daughter. Who, undoubtabley is having a much rougher time with my terminal illness, than I. The continued spread of my cancer cells brings upon challenge after challenge. I've never seen Life in such light ~ in all its colour and beauty. I am abound by glory. I hope that you get a chance to take a look at my feeble attempt to start something "real" ~ for the people, by the people, and of the people. I want to help Cancer patients in need. True need. You have given me the inspiration and motivational start. I hope you don't mind... a photo of your movie cover was used in my blogsite!!! positive4cure.blogspot.com
(I am truly sorry for your loss...I too, as well, lost a dear friend, "Becca" Rebecca Ann Swender, June 14, 2008 at the young age of 36 to Melanoma. We had met at the National Cancer Institute in Bethesda, Md, where we did several months of interlueken-2 (il-2) treatments together. She was such a grave part of my Cancer journey and fight. I will miss her dearly. As, I am sure, you will miss your beloved pet. A short u-tube video was made in her honour on my site as well. {I am relatively new to the online world/community of "blogging/utubing" ~ sorry about the poor quality. Thanks for understanding}
I wish you the best in Life and Love. Thank-You for giving me your time.
********************************************************************************
May all who seek, find.
Sincerely,
Rebecca
When my daughter died, I couldn't imagine her being cremated. However when the first rain hit after she was buried, I found myself at the cemetery with an umbrella over her gravesite. To this day the man who cares for the cemetery (who lives across the street) still avoids me in public!
If it helps, I didn't feel her presence around me till about a year after her death. She is with me now almost daily, with warm feelings in parts of my body and suttle reminders like butterflies. I still miss her, but I also know why she was here and why she came into my life! I learned so much from my little baby who was only 'alive' for 6 weeks. She came alive so I would! I woke up the day she died. Without her I would still be living unconsiously and missing out on life. I needed that year though to reflect and appreciate her and to get through my grief. So take this time not to search for her but to heal yourself and she will know when its time and she will appear to you, in a way that you know for sure its her!
and crying for another 30. I wish I could help. I too understand Death truly changes us. I can’t say anything to make it better. I remember when my “babe” a Pomeranian died in my hands. It doesn’t get easier for awhile. Unfortunately, with all my experience, I just learned how to hang on. . Just know that a lot of us care about you out here in “cyber land”!!
Maybe this might be too early, but I would love to give you a gift of my services, I do portraits of pets. Free of charge for you. You have done so much, for me, I could never repay you for sharing you life with me, and inspiring me, just to hang in there and keep going.
Sincerely Caroline
This is a link to my photos: to the right are my drawings, some are sketches & some are assignments.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/carolinedenaro
Again I would love to do something wonderful for you. My email is mrscmoney@yahoo.com Just email me your favorite photo of Crystal. I’ll send you a photo of it, and if you like it when I am done, I’ll mail it to you
I always thought I would choose cremation but now I think about how it contributes to global warming, while interment in the ground (as long as you are not embalmed) actually enriches the Earth. Compost!
Someone recently told me that they planted a tree above the burial site of their cat and that tree grew like crazy, drawing sustenance from kitty's earthly remains.
I think I'd like to go like that -- no embalming, just a burial shroud, with a Royal Poinciana tree planted above my remains. There is a tradition in some cultures that if you are buried beneath a flowering tree, your soul will be released when the tree is in bloom.
How about an apple tree?
My grandmother has had her body commissioned to be creamated and made into fireworks so that on the day of her burial she can be shot into the air and explode over the lake that is named for her... I love that idea.. Callie
You deal with so many forms of death every day. You are now dealing with it in reality. I read this and said oy vey! She is suffering and doesn't know this is normal. Most families I counsel for church or do brievment counseling with all say they have this urge ( not that they would ever do it) to dig up the grave. Make things normal. That is is unnatural for thier loved ones to be in the ground. And it is. It is all so abnormal.....not what you have in LIFE. But death is a passing that no amount of obsessing over what "was in life" can change. I know you know that Cyrstal is gone. Now the gone where question seems to be the big one for you. What do you belive? DO you belive in heaven, just a light, going into God? reincarnation? some belive that when the body dies we are dead. That is one I cannot wrap my head around it is an awful waste of energy and I think God is the ultimate in being "Green". Do you have an answer or are you searching. If you are searching then just realize that the energy and love that got her here is in control and she is whole and happy. Crystal was not her body. I so understand. Last May when Mojo had to be put to sleep. Her cancer had spread until her pain could not be controlled. I held her while they gave her the shot. I thought I would die leaving her but I could not bring myself to find a place to bury her. The problem was I spent an hour with her after she had passes telling her how thankful I was for her life and the sharing of herself with me. How blessed I was. As I was leaving I had the most insane ideas: I needed a piece of he hair or just something to remember her buy. None of which was possible. I wanted to climb into bed at night and smell her little lab self. Hear her snort and laugh or snore..But she was not there. I could not hold on to her anymore. Her spirit was gone. It was hard beyond words. The point of all this is that you are not crazy nor insane it is normal to worry about the rain or the weather.. but they are not there. Plants are a good start. Maybe you need to take a minute and define death for yourself. Because death in the ones we love fur people or people brings up questions of belief. It is especially painful for folks with cancer , ALS, MS or any disease that threatens us. We need definition as humans. I think the reason cave men drew on walls and found thier own ideas of God was to give themselves peace. Find your peace. I am worried about you. Not in the she is gonna go nuts way but in the way that you hate to see someone you love hurt. And you cannot protect anyone from this kind of hurt. For some reason the creator gave us mini deaths.. starting far away from ourselves.. like great grandparent and family or friends that you as a child or adult dont know well to help us define what we belive about death how to process it. Because death becomes very personal as we age. When it is our mothers, children, fathers, pets.. We need this time to learn what we feel about death. Not the idea of living well because we are going to die and make peace with our mortality but making peace with the unknown which is harder. Making peace with answers we may never have until we experience it for ourselves. Religon or spirituality can also give us a great deal of peace in this area. Unfortunately for folks that seek.. me being one.. and belive many things.. death is the hardest. I take all the religons and then compare them with what I know about the one and only God the head of them all whatever you name him/her and sometimes talk myself in circles. But what I do know in the same way Roshi Joan taught you how to live knowing you were going to die Crystal is teaching you about the act itself and the ideas that occur after. Take some time.. Dont go postal if the plants die. All things die.. and let yourself have these thoughts.. you are learning.. Know that it is hardest in the down time and quiet time and just take a minute to love yourself each day. You are busy and I would be willing to bet trying to stay busier right now..Crystal is still around you. Just find the peace and she is there.. And if she does reincarnate.. she may just come home.. you will know her when you see her. Take care of yourself. Dont judge yourself to harshly. And congrads on the new office. I am so ready for our house to be built with my office outside in the yard behind it. It becomes to much living where you work. Those you hire and your family all circulating in one space. Plus you never leave work so your private time and work time is all mixed up. Enjoy having your home back and some time away from work with Brian too. Hugs and Much love and prayers. Callie
I wonder if you would be interested in posting a 'memorial' to your dearly beloved cat? you can also unload favorite pic's & poems@ this site www.In memory of pets.com You can light a candle for your lost loved one. I found this site very helpful in dealing with the loss of my son's BELOVED Jack russell when he was in the navy an so far away from home. It also gave him a 'place' to reflect on just how much that "friend" meant to him. I also added a "star" in the sky for his dog @ "gone to dog star.com"
Very helpful in the overall "healing" process....
Hugs & peace,
CSC Survivor...
Just keep pushing through the pain, little bean. Little steps. I read a great book recently that you might like, James Van Praagh, "Ghosts Among Us, Uncovering the Truth About the Other Side." Not like it sounds, really. I have studied a bit with this interesting man and what he says is always so comforting and thought provoking.
Paix - Jen
I love your taste in furniture, rugs, plants, tables, lamps!
That said, Crystal is with you always, she is at peace and no longer has pain or suffers from being weary. She loves you and truly her soul will live forever. Her shell is in your backyard and she watches you to ensure that you're safe...
Brian is a special guy--and you are both truly blessed to have one another.
The plants will breathe new life into your home--creating good air for you--and will thrive on the love that is all around you.
I absolutely love you willingness to be vulnerable. I have loved that about you since the day I found you on my computer! you rock!
Bert Scholl
Have Cancer & Quite Empowered!
http://bertscholl.blogspot.com
Anita Williams
www.poppermostcommunications.com
xoxo
Kris? Brian?
Anyone???
deb:)
Your plants are beautiful. It is wonderful that you have a new office space.
Like I told my brother when he lost his dog to kidney failure, be busy but also allow yourself to grieve and feel the loss. The healing will come but the wonderful memories that you shared will sustain you through a lifetime.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=c4pwKyBKHkQ
My hubby is the cycling coach hottie :)
as for where your kitten, crystal, has gone, peronally, i believe that our souls ARE indestructable. & i believe with absolute conviction that if life were not the perfect game, it would scarcely be worth playing. ultimately, it must be. therefore, your kitten will end up scoring goals exactly where & how she will most likely prefer to.
as for the pain in our experience, as kahlil gibran suggested (kahlil the equivalent, or more to some, of a lebanese shakespeare) "pain is a crack in the shell which contains our understanding."
lately i've been reading the work of robert monroe. i would recommend reading at least the first page of his last book "the ultimate journey" here:
"Fear is the great barrier to human growth..." (from page one, here): http://tinyurl.com/44fmtz
a reviewer wrote: "Mr. Monroe was no student of religion or metaphysics yet he reached a model of existance that is fully compatible with neoplatonism. We originate from a Creator beyond space and time, we descend into the holographic dream of space-time, we gain experience (along with our kindred sparks) through a varying number of lifetimes, our more evolved "higher selves" reach back through time and space to help ourselves at crucial moments, and we finally return back to the Creator bearing our hard-won gifts. He didn't get this from Plato, Plotinus, or the Upanishads- HE FOUND IT OUT FOR HIMSELF THROUGH DIRECT EXPERIENCE."
49 seconds with the late robert monroe:
http://tinyurl.com/4uha7o
as for myself, i am a Christian, of the mystical (entheogenically inclined) antinomian variety, (per the catholic version of the definition).
raised catholic & subjecting myself to the works & arguments of the staunchest believers in Christianity as mythology, i know that eventually one must accept Christ's existence is neither provable nor disprovable right now, so it is strictly a matter of what you would like to believe. for me, no matter what perception of reality i may consider at any given time, adding to it one perfect friend can only possibly make it better. & i invite him along, praying daily, Jesus Christ, please, come soon. until he does, i will be here trying to grow into as much of a perfect friend as i can, by his example, for mine & the sake of all other sentient beings. including plants, by the way.. please see, "the secret life of plants," & water, via Masaru Emoto's "the hidden messages in water."
i believe, when enough of us do this, we might at least fullfill robert blake's poeticic words.
(a synopsis of william blake's "divine humanity"):
http://www.blake250.org/synopsis.html
"Taken from the Old Testament, the Book of Job raises some of the most fundamental questions of life and existence, and through its relentless trials of spiritual faith, confronts the time-worn dilemma of 'why, if there is an omniscient omnipotent God, is there suffering in the world?' What is the purpose of this life? Through the parallel story of Jerusalem and the Giant Albion, Blake provides his own prophetic answers and pushes human understanding to its limits to reveal the spiritual essence of man.
The story of Job & the story of Jerusalem:
Satan - the dark angel - challenges God to a contest to determine the fate of the seemingly virtuous Job: an Everyman unaware of his own divinity. An overzealous Satan torments Job to within an inch of his life and traps Job in a world of material darkness and false religion. God intervenes in the form of Jesus the Imagination, and raises Job from the depths of existential despair to become a visionary prophet 'with the power to make others prophets'.
A newly inspired Job attempts to awaken divinity within others and tries in vain to rouse the Giant Albion - the Collective Body of Mankind - from its 'sleep of death'. Yet only by restoring Jerusalem - Albion's lost Emanation and feminine power - to Her spiritual glory, can the Eternal Spirit awaken within Man and the Divine Humanity become a reality.
one of my caveats being Christianity's lack of feminine balance. why was not Jesus Christ a nubian princess? why didn't he have a divine dopelganger in the form of a nubian princess? anyways, this is masculine feminine imbalance is prevalent in our culture & appears to be the norm among the majority of other religions in the recorded history of our mankind. anyways, blake speaks to this as well.
"jerusalem"
AND did those feet in ancient time
Walk upon England's mountains green?
And was the holy Lamb of God
On England's pleasant pastures seen?
And did the Countenance Divine
Shine forth upon our clouded hills?
And was Jerusalem builded here
Among these dark Satanic mills?
Bring me my bow of burning gold:
Bring me my arrows of desire:
Bring me my spear: O clouds unfold!
Bring me my chariot of fire.
I will not cease from mental fight,
Nor shall my sword sleep in my hand
Till we have built Jerusalem
In England's green and pleasant land.
----------------------------------------------------
more love & truth, & less of everything else.
all the best to you, your husband, & your kitty. =)
Planting is good! It is good for the soul, good for the environment, good for healing....just all around good! I recently planted myself the start of a veggie garden and I just LOVE it. My kale is so goregous!!!!! i have such a black thumb, but when it comes to my veggies it is all green! AND, I now have my dad and sister taken' on the veggies! It is amazing, no one was ready to listen these last 9 months but now that they are into it they can't stop talking about it. My dad needs it for his heart disease and blood pressure and my sister is just going for all around health. Whatever the reason, I love it! They are starting with blending rather than juicing, but I know the juicers are not far behind :-) I miss my juicing....in Orlando with my hubby and kids for a little vaca. We are having a blast, eating lots of veggies but really miss the juicer! Kudos to Seaworld.....lots of healthy choices!
So, I am hoping to make it to OMEGA next weekend since it is so close to Kent.....and of course I wouldn't want to give up an opportunity to see you and Beth again! I have told Beth and she is working on Sat. arrangements for me, but I still don't know if it can happen. My entire family is coming for the 4th of July weekend so it may be hard to get away for the day....but considering the circumstances i maybe able to swindle it. (Friday is out because we have Tanglewood tickets that have been on the calendar since the fall!)
Hope to see you next weekend.....
Laura
rand
Peace and Light,
Jen Visco from Pittsburgh Pa.
IN LOVING MEMORY, MY SISTER APRIL.
October 27, 1968 - April 4, 2005
They say, love is the souls recognition of its counter-point in another. I believe that's true for the love I had for my other half, she who was my mother-father-sister-brother-best friend-mentor… simply everything to me - my beloved sister, April. It has been two years since April flew to the heavens where she now sings amongst the angels and looks down upon all of us as her children. May she rest in peace.
As I look back, sitting by her side, holding her hand and weaker than her as I tried to resist the tears. I was not sad or nervous; I was angry. "April, why you?" She confidently replies, "Jen, it is better that I go first because I am the strongest one in the family; everyone of you is afraid of death, but now you all will have comfort knowing that I will be waiting to welcome them with open arms." I crawled into her bed, lying beside her and tightly holding on to every piece of her body that I could grip. I whispered "But I don't want you to go." April replied, "I am not really going anywhere far - I will be forever here, in you."
April, I will keep you-me-we alive… for as long as I shall live. I love you, sis. -Jen